there is difficulty in pouring my heart out when there is little to bleed.
fingers work harder when the sutures become puppet strings controlled by the brain.

this soul is restored. it is easy for time to fly when the stomach floats with each second. suspension at its finest. words that surround me in a golden shield and assure me that it will all be okay. these shields come in many forms, and I am lucky to have them in three. the best things come in threes. you, you, and you are no exception.

vacations separated by phases. phase one is coming to a close, and although this heart will stretch for miles, it will find comfort in another part of this organ. I never knew how many sizes it could grow, and it is as if the grinch has shared his knowledge with myself. his heart may have grown three sizes that day, but mine grows this number every day.

from freckles traced under those eyes to the toes that remind me I am alive.

from nicknames I thought I had lost to the tugs of hugs that will be restored. we may be under surveilence when I arrive, but uninvited eyes will not keep me from showing you how much I have missed you. I am grateful that I am still a part of this life, and I do not know how I will be able to show you so.

from evidence of looking up to your elders to the mornings that make me grateful I am that elder. I am taking you out of that shell for fresh air, because you are not a turtle. it is not attached to your body, and you will discover you just needed a push.

there are no complaints from these eyes. they are clear in mind and full in the soul. the songs that can sperad through these lungs can call celebration for days.

I will miss you, but it only means that I will see you again.

wow.

never have i ever been spelled out so clearly how little i meant to you.
there is absolutely no way you can tell me otherwise.
substances fill us with a substance in words that wouldn't be there in a sober state.
now i know what you really meant when you said you missed me.
it meant you missed treating me like shit.

last time i sat here with words, i said there was no need to apologize. i am bitter, hurt, pissed off, and tired right now, so here are some apologies that arise from this.

i'm sorry i care.
i'm sorry i love you.
i'm sorry i worry.
i'm sorry i gave you advice.
i'm sorry i was always there for you.
i'm sorry i had a fit when i realized you were growing up to soon.
i'm sorry i got angry every time you indicated you were on your own.
i'm sorry i wanted to be there for you every step of the way.
i'm sorry mum told me to go to school.

but most of all? i'm sorry that none of it ever meant a thing to you.

i never thought i'd see this day, but here it is. fuck you. how dare you tell me how i feel, when you have not lived a second of my life.

timeless suspension.

just because i have been catching up on my sleep does not indicate things forgotten.
it just means i needed a change of scenery.
a life of consistency calls for fresh air.
the air is stale when you never leave your comfort zone.
uncomfortable, but breathing.

a wave of hope has begun to dry out.
these bones are hollowed out without the chirping of the morning bird.
no more critics to tell me it will be okay.
no more reminders that what i am doing is the proper track.
i have ached for more words from you.
i deserve everything i get. you don't deserve how you feel.
i wake up with my hand to my nose, wishing i had a scar to your memory.
at the same time, i don't want a memory.
memories mean something is gone.
you will never be gone to me.

as for apologies:
there is no need to apologize for not agreeing with others, for not being perfect (because no one is), and for feeling. furthermore, there is no need to apologize for the past. i do, however, feel like i need to say i'm sorry, and those who know know why. i love you, and you, and the rest of the lot. i wish i could make everything right. in life there is no right or wrong, though. it takes years to figure that out.

a break from the world has been in order.
doctor's orders. that is, if the doctor was one of the several personalities in my mind.

i am your best kept secret. the words that slip my lips become a part of it when you let the speakers do the talking. i've got a lot to say with little desire to tell the world.

i gave up on sentence structure, and paragraphs are over. essays are for university. capitalization for grades and clients. i have verbal discharge - these words slip through without warning. i have been so accustomed to keeping my mouth shut, though, that all that comes out are clouds and fogs of what you think you know.



it's time for the segment called 'clear talk with august laine':

1. the potential labels who have considered working with me to release my record are not thrilled with my disappearing act. if all else fails, i will release an ep independently.

2. i apologize to the soundwave fans for having to be delayed for what you don't know is coming. it will be worth it though, i promise.

3. there is no three. i am not that important. but i wanted to make this segment longer.

final thoughts: these waves that fill me leave me swimming for days. may they never end, nor leave me seasick.

a fear of heights is a statement on so many levels.

the biggest fear is to plummet several stories to an unknown death.
would it be quick? would it be slow?
would the gravity be a rush enough to make it worthwhile?

all i know is that the world is sinking,
the days are floating,
and the soil is softening for the landing.

my homes are defined by people.

miles away - bombs away.
the sky is orange in bright fury.
misunderstandings are catalyst to the hardest battles,
and warrior eyes are desperately seeking a swimmer's ear.
lips that move against lost hope and fallen profanity.
hearts that collide against personal reality and truth.
stupidity at its best - i was always a pupil with high marks.
at every age, a book in hand and a mind reeling.
this mind reels, but it catches no fish.
bait is inadequate, uncertainty tangles the line.
the lure is red, and i am hooked.

this jaw has been torn, but there is no mute fish.
bubbles through suffocation, spiraling out into the fresh air.
unable to breathe in an atmosphere so beautiful.
unable to comprehend the state of affairs.
comprehend is not the right word - accept seems to do the trick.
ridiculous and restless, these eyes never close.
fish rarely sleep. blinking is unnecessary; why delay the view?

flatline.

you will never be dead to me.

the man who lost it all, chapter one.

i am inappropriate, but i do not deserve this.

the world war has begun.
i have said it before- i am not a fighter. but i find myself with a change of heart.
this heart remains loyal, regardless.

contrary to popular belief, all i ever did was follow my heart. all i have ever wanted was to find light in this dark world. it seems that when i find this resolution, i seem to be covering other areas. when you set an umbrella down, you must close it to allow all of the light. that umbrella remained opened in this case.

this stomach aches in several directions. the pain of loss rides up my esophagus and seeps through my lungs. this attempt to breathe only floats the air through pin-sized holes, which air through my chest. it dries up the heart, as there are several holes in it right now.

"you can't have everything." how right they are.